Thursday, February 12, 2009

Am I Enough?

I don't know. Today I don't feel like I am enough of anything. This post could be raw because today I feel raw. Today I feel like I am standing on shifting sand, questioning my very purpose, questioning the very gifts I thought I was so sure God had given me.
Last night a dream came true for me. Last night a prayer was answered when I was given the chance to go and share my "God story" with the young ladies of FBC Seminole. I was given two verses Ps. 139:14 and Ephesians 3:17-19 and as I searched out God's Voice in these verses I reveled in each new revelation HE gave me. He showed me how both of these verses have everything to do with HIS REAL LOVE, the theme for the night. I have been in prayer for weeks for each young lady in attendance, I felt God's hand on me through it all. But when I finished my talk I felt like I had failed. I felt like I had not hit the mark. I felt lost. I felt confused. I felt unsure of who or what I was. I felt like I wasn't enough in that moment.
I kept thinking to myself, "Dawn, this is the very thing you talked to the girls about, what is wrong with you?" Then I realized I might know about "IN HIM I AM ENOUGH" but I don't own it. You know? Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things and when your feelings are battling your head knowledge the feelings always end up as victors. So where does that leave me? What do I do now? I want to roll around under the covers and eat cinnamon rolls, but I can't. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to make the awful thoughts in my head to turn off. I want peace. I need peace, so there is only one thing I can do...I have to go to God's Word.
Last night my friend Sara read a poem titled "Who Am I?" by Shelly Hitz. The following words touched the very core of my soul
"Who Am I? My first answer would probably be my name. But, my name doesn't describe who I am on the inside. I could then give the title of my profession. But that is what I do. I could tell you I am a wife, a sister, a daughter. But those are my relationships. I ask again, WHO AM I? I could describe myself as an extrovert and outgoing. But that is my personality. I am organized in planning events. But that is a gift God has given me. I could describe my appearance, but that is not who I am either. (here is where it really hit home for me) So many times I have believed what others say I am. If I receive affirmation, then I feel worthwhile. However, when I receive criticism, then I feel like a failure. I have chosen to ride the roller coaster of emotions, instead of believing the truth of what God says about me. I have tried to work harder to prove I am worthwhile. Yet every time I mess up or fail, I am reminded that I will never measure up. I will never be pretty enough or talented enough. I will never be skinny enough or do enough good things in church. I will never be a good enough wife or sister or daughter (OR MOTHER). But I keep trying harder and harder. I BELIEVE the lie that if I continue to try harder I will finally be "good" enough."
My head is spinning and my hands are frozen...I don't know how to follow this up. My entire life feels wrapped up in the lie that if I try harder and work harder I will be good enough. Good enough for Ronnie, good enough for Drew and Kade, good enough in my mind's eye, good enough for my mom and dad -BUT you know what I never measure up. I always look to others and ask the question, "Am I enough?" Why do we do that? Am I the only one? I told the girls last night we are suppose to take those questions to God because there will be days our emotions (our flesh) tell us we aren't enough but God's Word says we are.
God's Word says I am enough. While I was a sinner, He sent His only son, Jesus Christ to die for me. Romans 5:8
God's Word says that I am His Masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10
God's Word says that I am the apple of His eye. Psalm 17:8
God's Word says He delights over me with singing - EVEN ON MY BAD DAYS. Zeph 3:17
God's Word says I was chosen to be His own special treasure. Deut 7:6
God's Word says I am important enough that He knows all my thoughts. Psalm 139:17-18
God's Word says my sorrow is important enough that He counts my tears. Psalm 56:8
God's Word says He will never leave me or forsake me. Hebrews 13:5

God's Word says I am enough...not on my own. No on my own all my righteous acts are like filthy rags to Him, Isaiah 64:6. But by the very grace of God I am enough. Am I enough that He will leave me where I am at? NO, I he loves me too much to leave me here; I am a work in progress , but He is faithful to complete what He started in me. (Phil 1:6) I have to rest in the knowledge of who I am IN HIM. Nothing else, no accomplishment, no goal obtained, no "feeling", no compliment will fill the spot in my heart to make me feel like I am good enough.
ONLY IN HIM AM I ENOUGH.
I don't feel it today, but I can't follow my heart. Jeremiah 17:9 says, "the human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked." So today I choose to believe God's Word. Today I CHOOSE to rest in it. Today I CHOOSE to live it. Today I CHOOSE to be enough in HIM.
So today I begin a new journey. A journey to not just have this head knowledge...but, to own it - for it to be blueprinted on the lining of my heart.

4 comments:

holly said...

Dawn, Dawn, Dawn , Dawn, Dawn. I have said it before and I will say it again. You are way too critical of yourself. Like you said last night. You can know the Word (in your head) but you have to KNOW the Word (in your heart). You have to embed it in your heart and take comfort in it. YOU ARE ENOUGH IN HIM! You touched those girls last night. Maybe not all of them understood because they were young, but look how many went down to pray at the altar. Look at the girls that went and found their moms and cried in their arms. Look at the ones that went and found a friend or someone to talk to. It was soooo worth you going and speaking to those girls if only one girl GOT IT. You know I love you girl. Cant wait for this weekend. It will be just what you need!

jerriann said...

Sweet Dawn, let it go girl, let it go. do not let affermation from anyone sway you one way or the other, stay right here with God and let Him right you. Powerful, girl, that was powerful.

My Sunday school teacher always said let Jesus be your plumb bob, I think that is a construction term, think of a string with a weight on the end of it, that is Jesus. Everything must line up with His truth.

Daphne once said that she had the chore of hoeing weeds and she would chop off the just the tops, this is root. Be excited because God has exposed a root and only He can pull that thing! Your job is to let him have it!

Wow, sweet sister, it's metal time. God will build a stronger base for you. God will build, not you, God.

I love you, call me.

Anonymous said...

Dawn, I agree with Holly and Jerriann, sweety, you need to lighten up a little. You are trying way to hard to be perfect and it isn't going to happen. Just be yourself and don't worry about what you think others want you to be. Why worry about it, no one else does. Just focus on what you have and how lucky you are to have health, wealth, wonderful family and food on the table. When I feel bad or things are not what I would like it to be, I always think of how bad it COULD be. There are people out there with nothing, no job, no home, sick family and NO family at all, etc....
so, start thanking GOD for all the things you do have and don't sweat the other stuff. Life is not perfect and we are not either. GOD with take care of the rest. We love you, Aunt T

Tami said...

Dawn,
You are ENOUGH in Him! What you shared with the girls here was amazing! The girls are still talking about it. God is so amazing!! I teach the high school girls Sunday School class and the verse for Sunday was Eph. 3:17-19 which was one of the main verses you talked about on Wednesday. One of the girls said she had never heard the Max Lucado quote that you shared with them on Wednesday and since then she has seen it 3 times - I told her I thought God was trying to make a point. I firmly believe that there will be fruit from the words you shared for generations. I often struggle with feeling inadequate and Jase always reminds me that God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called. YOU were called and you answered the call and were obedient to HIM. And, He equipped you! YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are beautiful inside and out! Your passion for Christ and for prayer just ooze out of you. Thank you for sharing with us! I look forward to more time spent serving with you!

 

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